Monday, June 25, 2007

R2B2 Rediscovers Her Need for the Protective Bubble She Calls Brooklyn

Last week I was feeling a little Brooklyned out. I had to plod through a string of busy days and though temperatures were moderate, the air was feeling a little wet, which means that my apartment started stinking. It emits this stale, kitty litterish odor throughout most of the summer, unless I run the air conditioner, which I'm too environmentally conscious (read: cheap) to do.

Anyway, I had dinner with a friend in from out of town whom I hadn't seen in years, who was totally fascinated by life in Brooklyn. I had ridden my bike to the restaurant (so Brooklyn!) after picking up my organic veggie CSA share (so Brooklyn!) using my fucking string shopping bags (so Brooklyn!). By the end of the night, I was totally done with being the poster child for everything that's simultaneously so right (earnest) and so wrong (earnest) about Brooklyn. I was ready to scarf down a KFC two piece with biscuit while watching ultimate fighting. But I was full from all of the fancy Italian cheeses I had eaten at the restaurant (so Brooklyn!). And I don't have cable (so Brooklyn!). And physical violence scares me. What a dork.

So, I was excited to get the hell out of Dodge. Sparky and I were invited to a friend's wedding in Northern Virginia, yuppie armpit of the universe, wherein I rediscovered the fact that eleven years in NYC has ruined my ability to cope with the rest of America. Namely:

1. Nascar sponsored gas stations
2. rest stations that serve TCBY fro yo
3. Whole Foods so large that it feels compelled to come up with oversized and outrageous product displays. See photos below for Cake by the Slice and bag-it-yourself pre-cooked shrimp by the pound. ("This shrimp is already cooked and couldn't be easier to prepare, just thaw it and you are ready to go!" $10.99/lb.)
4. towns built circa 1999 with roads called American Dream Way, Sunset Hills, and Sunset Valley
5. Uno (formerly known as Pizzeria Uno, though I bet they still serve pizza)
6. people who try to make small talk with me by telling me about the time they were invited to their Chinese coworker's house for dinner. In case you were wondering, it was really good. They served shrimp in the shell (!) but the dessert was so gross that he had to spread it around the plate to make it look like he ate most of it
7. incompetent customer service. Ironically, it's easier to handle in NYC when dished out with hostility, rather than with a smile
8. Burger King's excessive use of trademarking: Tendercrisp Chicken Sandwich, Tendergrill Chicken Sandwich, and Crisp-o-matic Frypod technology (hot, fresh, crispy fries designed especially for your cup holder)
9. riding around in automobiles

This weekend I'll be in Vermont. Hopefully the idyllic landscape and fresh air will serve me better.


Russ said...

Oh mn, I am SO excited and happy that Atlanta did not produce this reaction in you. Screw you, NoVa!!!

Anonymous said...

Just for the record, it was actually Sunset Hills and Sunrise VALLEY.
- Sparky, AHEM, I mean Anonymous