Tuesday, June 12, 2007

God doesn't want you walking around with food on your face, right??

One of the stranger things about moving to Atlanta was seeing, for the first time in my life, people praying before they eat (I know, it's called "saying grace"...whatever, it's praying). This is IN PUBLIC, mind you. Sometimes it's people I'm out with (always people from work), which is weird and goes kind of like this:

Me: "Blah blah blah funny comment."
Semi-Closet Jeebus Freak: "Yeah blah blah ha ha."
Me: "I mean, blah blah bitchy comment."
-(Food is served)-
Them: Head-bowing silence with lips sort of moving.
Me: "Um, repeat bitchy comment."
Them: "Yeah, I know" as if nothing ever happened, ie they did not just completely bail on the conversation and start talking to someone else. Yes, Jeebus, but hello, you are having lunch with ME, not Jeebus!

And then sometimes I am having lunch by myself (why? see above) and see complete strangers going through this. Generally everyone at the table is saying it though, since they apparently don't lunch with godless heathens like me. So today I am eating my salad and reading my print out from The New York Times Magazine and this couple comes and sits at the table across from me and commences with the Jeebus routine. They then begin easting, and the girl almost immediately winds up with a HUGE piece of food on her face (feta cheese, I think). So does the guy say anything? The hell he does!! I totally could no concentrate on my article, so I obsessed I instantly became with when, if ever, he was going to step up to the plate and point at the spot on his face where the food would be were it on his face and not her's, then she would giggle and get rid of said besmirching food. When I left 15 minutes later, SHE STILL HAD FOOD ON HER FACE!!

I ask you: HOW can you be so religious as to pray IN PUBLIC before you eat and not havre the decency to tell the person you are with that they have a huge gross piece of food stuck to their face? HOW??? Does Jeebus like that? I don't think so! I mean, they are all checkign each others faces out in The Last Supper and I don't see any food on anyone's face, do you? (To be fair, Jeebus is covered from head to toe in food since he is the food).

So, if you are religious, in addition to not killing anyone, not cheating, not stealing, etc., I expect you to alert me to a) any food on my face, b) any food in my teeth, c) any food in my hair, d) any visible boogers, e) toilet paper stuck to my shoe, and f) my skirt being tucked into the back of my panty hose (I walked around the office like that for 45 minutes once, so it is an issue, and fuck you very much to all the people I walked by who failed to tell me about it).


judy said...

I'm reminded of the time you sat next to that first-date couple at dinner and the guy was boring the crap out of his out-of-his-league, gorgeous date, and so when she went to the bathroom you told him to quit talking about himself. Remarkably he did and the date then went well. Sometimes an intervention is necessary.

The praying before meals stuff is freaking me out. I don't know what I would do down there. Get struck by lightning, I suppose.

Russ said...

Man, if they haven't struck me down yet, ANYONE is safe!

I had totally forgotten about that incident. That dude probably started talking about himself again the next date. Hopefully he at least got laid after the first one.