If the Price Was Right?

Each and every morning when I drag my cranky ne'er do well ass out of bed, I think to myself, "At least I ain't working for the man." I'm not saving puppies from incineration, mind you, but it's not like I sit on Haliburton's board of directors. I do work for a man, just one so tiny so as not to suck me dry. To sum up my current corporate existence, I've been forbidden from wearing flip flops to work, but drag queens make regular appearances at our annual talent show. Basically, it could be better, but it could also be much much worse. It criss crosses the line between stifling and acceptable.
Anyway, there's been some bloggin' about the new Times cafeteria, and I have to say it's pretty fricking ridiculous. Today I picked away at my work-provided lunch, a quasi hot/cold buffet meal eaten in my dungeon-like cube, of fried catfish that literally tasted like cardboard (someone took a note from the Chinese?). And I read more about the delicacies being scarfed down at TimesHQ. They have an island of cheese! A sandwich station! And, be still my beating heart, a fro yo machine. Those fuckers. I've read similar accounts of the corporate cafeterias at Conde Nast and Hearst, but nothing tops Google.

I did a little research and discovered that if you work at Google's California campus "Googleplex," you could:
Dine at one of seven corporate cafeterias, including one that sources only local product from within a 150 mile radius (that's that's extremely ambitious, even by California hippie standards).

Enjoy daily "foodles," an daily email sent to educate employees about fun food facts and healthy eating, eat free breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks and pick up prepackaged foods for weekend meals.

Shop at an onsite famers' market, get a check-up, get a hair-cut, take a swim, do your laundry, play volleyball, get your bike repaired, get free rides on company shuttle buses, gawk at a dinosaur, pee atop a heated Japanese toilet seat, keep a lava lamp on your desk, bring your dog to work, receive $8,000 a year in tuition reimbursement, and, this is by far the creepiest, receive $5,000 toward adoption assistance.

I know it sounds nice, but wouldn't you have to be lobotomized to really enjoy it? First off, although the management obviously values their employees, all of these perks still constitute entrapment. If you can get a free lunch, you won't spend an hour off campus. You'll stay later if you don't have to go home to walk your dog or pick up your dry cleaning. If they buy you an adopted Chinese baby, you pretty much owe them, big time for all of eternity. And what kind of Kool-Aid must you be drinking to sustain such a cultish existence?

But, on the other hand, I've always liked the taste of Kool-Aid. (I wasn't allowed to drink it as a child (red dye no. 3), and I'm still inexplicably drawn to it.) Me being Chinese and all, I know how to meld myself into the faceless mass. Perhaps the fresh Mountain View air would do me good. And I'd like to adopt a Chinese baby some day. I checked the Goggle job board and found myself to be woefully underqualified for any of the current openings, but perhaps I'll check back later. There's something to be said for free lunch, even if it's not really free.