Half-Assed 80's References

Okay, I am about to make a major fool of mysef with this post so let me just get it out of the way. Yes, I have seen every episode of Friends, a good bit of "Will and Grace", and the movies "Thirteen Going on Thirty" and "Music and Lyrics." Shut up.

The point is, beyond the other sins commited by both of those movies and that particular tv show (which I insist had moments of being very, very funny even though it irritated the shit out of me in principal), there is one really, really egregious sin. The ham-fisted 80's reference that does not stand up to scrutiny.

My theory is this: writers, directors and producers in Hollywood know that people just love the early 80's. And they, in turn, love this fact about people. It means that, in lieu of actually writing something clever, funny, or original, they merely need contrive the grounds for a flashback and slap a Flock of Seagulls wig, Members Only jacket, or what have you on one of their characters. Hilarious! Can you BELIEVE we ever dressed/coiffured ourselves like that? I LOVE this show!!! Problem is, the characters who supposedly did just that are always, ALWAYS too young to have been of the age they are supposed to be in said flashback. You see, the aformentioned writers, producers, and directors are as equally aware of the public's desire to see relatively young flesh on screen as they are to see an ironic appearance of an off the shoulder sweatshirt with big flourescent numbers all over it. Fortunately, there is one other thing by which the aformentioned writers, producers, and directors swear: that we, the viewing public, are utter doofuses (I am certainly not arguing with them there). Hence, they merrily disregard the impossible mathematics of a Chandler Bing who is 28 years old in 1997 yet had Flock of Seagulls hair in college.

Let me break it down for you doofuses: It's 1997. Chandler is 28. People go to college from 18-22. At best, Chandler went to college in 1987. "I Ran" was a hit in....1982. By 1987, if you had hair like that at college, you were beaten bloody. Shit, if you had it in 1984, you were beaten bloody. Hair moved fast back then! To put it in perspective, 1987 was the year that Duran Duran released "Notorious," their first of many COMEBACK attempts (and the last successful one). By 1987, George Michael wanted our sex and had stubble all the damn time (turns out he didn't want my sex after all, but I knew that when "Make it Big" came out in '84 and I was 8 or 9). Shit, Bon Jovi were where it was at in 1987. And I ain't talkin' no "Runaway" - I'm talkin' "Livin on A Prayer" (and endin' my gerunds with apostrophe N's accordin'ly)

In other words, Chandler Bing was a dweeb who wore cardigans, but even HE would have been done with Mike Score's hair by 1987. He certainly wouldn't have found anyone to be in his band. And his hair was no anomaly - Ross was wearing a Members Only jacket and playing Axel F on the synth. Fortuntaely for me, I don't recall what incorrrect items the remainder of "the gang" was wearing.

Meanwhile, in Will and Graceland, Grace is seen to be sporting Moon Unit Zappa's hair from "European Vacation" way too late. In "Thirteen Going on 30", Jennifer Garner - 30 in 2004 - charms junior high school sweetheart (and semi-retarded sad sack if you ask me, but I'm just saying that to annoy R2B2 and all my other friends whose panties inexplicbably wad at the sight of this dude, and YES, I saw "You Can Count on Me", R2) Mark Ruffalo....by doing the perfect rendition of the Thriller dance that they once did together. When they were 13. In 1984. Making her not thirty, but a shockingly unappealing old hag of 33.

Now "Music & Lyrics". This is the movie in which Hugh Grant plays a washed up 80's pop star from a band called Pop! which is an amalgamation of early Duran Duran (white shirts with ribbon ties) and "Make it Big"-era Wham! (their hit ballad is clearly "Careless Whisper" and the group consisted of two guys, one of whom rode on to solo glory while the other vanished). So...the movie comes out in 2007, 25 years after early Duran and 23 years after early Wham!. It just doesn't add up.

I am nitpicking here. We are talking a few years. But come on, people. If someone made a movie set in 1963 which featured hippies smoking doob at Haight-Ashbury, people would crab. If someone made a movie set in 1952 with people bombing Japan, there would be complaints. Why this disrespect for the early 80s? I say it's about the stupidity of the audience as well as the condescension, age-ism, and lack of creative spark of those creating today's mainstream entertainment. They are trying to appeal to my coveted generation, and they assume we either don't know the difference or are so thrilled to see a Human League reference that we don't care. They could solve this by letting their characters be a little older, but they think no one wants to watch people over 40. They could make equally fun (and not completely shopworn) late-80's/early 90's references - big hair! stonewahsed jeans! Laura Ashley dresses with choker necklaces! Oh the fun we had back then! But no. Lazy, patronizing, and youth-woshipping, they are probably developing an early 80's episode of "Hannah Montana" as we speak. What could be cuter than an embryo in a "Choose Life" shirt???