R2B2 Re-emerges in a Foul Mood

Apologies for my extended silence.

I made the mistake of inhaling some country air during a weekend in Vermont, which resulted in me contracting a TB-like cough that has dragged on for over a week. Plus, I'm covered in hives! Drinking alcohol only seems to inflame them, so I've been abstaining (which has only further enraged me). I always felt that I ought to distrust the country; finally my suspicions have been confirmed.

The only other thing I have to say about Vermont (which was actually really lovely even though it made me ill) is that the hamlet of Londonderry is a creepy place that should be avoided at all costs. Everyone who lives there is white, fifty-two years old, and owns a purebred dog. No joke. I spent four hours at the farmer's market there and saw 2 Golden Retrievers, 2 Labrador Retrievers, a Bernese Mountain Dog, Greater Swiss Mountain Dog, Mastiff (!), Cocker Spaniel, Havanese, German Shepherd, Bassett Hound, Pembroke Welsh Corgi, Collie, West Highland Terrier, Boxer, English Springer Spaniel, Standard Poodle, Italian Greyhound, Yorkshire Terrier. What am I missing? Oh, not a single fucking mixed breed dog. I don't know what kind of doggie eugenics they're practicing in Londonderry, but something strange is afoot. I would advise against driving through town with a mutt—they're liable to run you off the road and lynch your dog.

Anyway, NYC's hot and angry and crime ridden right now. To give you a taste:
Two cops were shot during a routine traffic stop involving carjackers. Sloppy news outlets are reporting that it happened in my precious 'hood of Frown Fights, but it really happened two blocks south (Russ' old stomping grounds.) The shooters are still on the loose, so mind your heinies.

In Frown Fights proper we had our own carjacking. Psycho Victor Gordon got in a fight with girlfriend Deisha Bennett (thought she was a cheatin') and took to the streets with his gun. He wrecked the first car he stole, missed pulling over a second, crashed the third car then went down when officers fired 135 shots at him! The most shocking angle of the story was printed in the Daily News: "Gordon's family blamed Bennett for the bloodshed. 'She was stressing him out, they had a very turbulent relationship, said Gordon's aunt Doris Mears, 45. "'He wasn't a trigger-happy young man - she just set him off.'"

And, just to prove that we are all a bunch of crazy inconsiderate assholes, a stricter noise code went into effect on the first of the month. Within 4 days, 3,400 people called 311 to complain about noisy neighbors. Turn the salsa down a notch, please!