New York may be full of annoying celebrities, but at least the cringe-worthy newsmakers like Lizzy Grubman and Joey Buttafuco are in the company of some real talent. Not so in Atlanta of late. In the past month my fair city has made the headlines with the following D-list star stories:
1. Atlanta Falcon Michael Vick is found to have his own illegal dog fighting ring...in his house. As in, he doesn't just operate a shady ring of people who are into watching dogs fight to the death - he literally has a ring in which dogs fight to the death in his house, so that said enthusiasts may swing by for a Bud and a torn canine jugular or two. Oh no, here come the animal cops...just kidding guys, it's a stripper!!! Hey guys, if you're lucky, maybe she'll loop that wire ring on the end of a stick around your neck in a saucy fashion!!
2. Egregiously offensive 48 yeadr-old tv "lawyer" Nancy Grace announces she is suddenly a) married and b) pregnant with twins. She won't admit to fertility treatments. Perhaps an exclusive intrview with Nancy Grace will scare the truth out of her. Oh, wait...
3. Wrestler Chris Benoit kills his wife and son (the latter said to possibly have the X Factor - someone call Simon Fuller! Oh wait, it's Fragile X), then strangles himself with...drum roll...weight lifting equipment. At least this story has some bitter symbolism to it.
Finally, my favorite:
4. Today, aspiring JonBenet Ramsey murderer (and former Nancy Grace pet project) John Mark Karr was arrested for assaulting his girlfriend and his own father in Sandy Springs, which is a) about 3 miles from my home and b) where my grandmother lives. The freakiest part of this is that he has a girlfriend. Oh, and that his father is still hanging out with him.
At this point, I am actually wanting Elton John to come and stay in his Atlanta home for a little bit, just to class things up.
1 comment:
It's all so "country."
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