Shout at the Casting Agent!!!

As a youth, I spent what seemed like an eternity but was probably more like one year being obsessed with Motley Crue - in my chronological pantheon they were the bridge between Duran Duran and Guns n' Roses (brief predicatble Poison dalliance before GNR, but we won't count that...can we not count that, please?). I started with Theatre of Pain but loved them enough to actually backtrack and get Shout at the Devil and Too Fast for Love - this was probably the first time I manifested any interest in what a band had done before I discovered them, so I guess it was kind of my first mature fandom experience. I remain a fan to this day, although my favorite has definitely switched from Tommy (idiot!) to Nikki (hot and witty!). I even finally realized my long-lost dream of seeing Crue perform live when they returned to Phillips Arena - Atlanta's answer to Madison Square Garden - to pick up where they had left off a year earlier when Vince Neil had broken his ankle during the 4th song while jumping off a riser. One for Razzle, I guess (in case you don't know, Razzle was the drummer of Finnish glam punk band Hanoi Rocks and was killed in a drunk driving accident one New Years Eve, with Vince behind the wheel. I had a cat named Razzle after him. Razzle the cat didn't fare much better in the end but Vince Neil stayed out of that one.).

A couple of years ago an autobiographical book called The Dirt came out, chronicling the crazy rock n'roll adventures of the Crue in attaempt to settle, for once and for all, the ongoing debate over just who is the world's hardest-partying rock band (claims to the throne have been made for Van Halen, Aerosmith, Zep, the Stones, and G n' R). These adventures include the aforementioned manslaughter, plus a couple of near-death drug overdoses (Nikki was actually declared dead on one occasion, but the paramedic was a huge Crue fan and insistd on giving him further adrenaline shots. Nikki escaped from the hospital, went home, and shot up. Rock n' fucking roll.), firey marriages to various celebrities (usually blonde TV stars, strippers, or mud wrestlers, although Nikki was married to Prince protege Vanity, who is now born-again), Vince'slawsuit of a chemical company after his daughter died of cancer caused by toxic dumping) and much inter-band strife, with various departures and retirns, punches in the face, slamming doors, etc.

Hollywood, in its continuing resistance to developning original story ideas, knew a good thing when it saw it and decided to adapt The Dirt into a major motion picture (what does that mean, exactly? I love that we still use that phrase - it's so old school, very studio system. My other favorite is "the motion picture event of the ___ [insert season]"). Since this adaptation was announced, much speculation has focused on casting. So far, there are no confirmations and scant "official" rumors ("official" meaning it's actually on IMDB) - three, in fact. The word is that Christopher Walken will play Ozzy Osbourne (this idea I like) and Val Kilmer will play David Lee Roth (this idea I do not like - yes, I will be in love with Chris Knight and Nick Rivers, but have you SEEN him lately? He actually makes the David Lee Roth of today look svelte, and I'm guessing they need an earlier incarnation of Dave for this movie). Finally, the Crue will be played by unknowns, but that's no fun as far as specualtion goes.

So the big question is, who will play the Crue??? Who?? I think about this alot. I don't LOVE any of my ideas thus far, but here goes: Vince Neil=Steve Zahn. Seriously, that's all I have. I was thinking Vince Vaughan as Tommy, but just being a tall idiot isn't good enough. Walken would actually make a good Mick Mars - remember how creepy Walken looked with long, greasy black hair in Search and Destroy? (he had just finished filming this and still had that hair when he came into the Whitney on my first day working there and TRIED TO PICK ME UP, succeeding in scaring the hell out of me). Nikki is the hardest because I love him so it really matters. Gina Gershon in drag would actually make a great Nikki, but people would say that's a rip off of Cate Blanchett playing Dylan (snore!).

Help me out here, people. Ideas?? Predictions? How cool would it be if all the wives played themselves?? I guess no-fun Vanity is out, but Larry Cahrles, who directed Borat is directing The Dirt, and he got Pammie for Borat, so who knows?????